i have issue for myself

I have an issue. I don't talk much. I don't find new friends, they find me. I don't start a conversation, the other party does. Sometimes, I'd rather be alone, instead of being in a group of people. Sometimes, I don't mind walking to places alone. I survive not walking with or talking to people for hours in a day. Imagine you being alone in your house, no cats, no phone. As long as there's this small little voice inside your head, then it's enough.

For me, being alone is not a big fuss. I like listening to music alone. I like eating alone. I like walking home alone. I wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom alone. I like reading alone. I like studying alone. I like cooking alone. Sometimes I have to agree when people sayI'm self-absorbed. These stuff, they kind of give me time to think. They kind of set my mind free. I know everyone has their own perspectives in seeing this matter. But this is me, I am no you.

When it comes to friendship, I realize something - that I'm afraid to be too close with someone. I find it hard to have a best friend, or to make one. A 'best friend' in my own definition is someone who has some parts of you, understands you, someone who's always around you; picking you up at your worst, cheering along with you at your best. Up until now, I still can't differentiate these two - best friend & good friend. Sometimes I don't know how to show them what I feel. I even think it's weird when some of them come up to me and tell their problems. In the head, I will like, what, do I look like a therapist to you? Nehh, I may feel proud when someone tells their secret to me while nobody else knows it, though. But the worst thing is, I can't sooth them when they're broken. All I can do is to pat their shoulder and ask them to calm down; well, after they've finished crying, that's for sure.

There are times I ask myself, am I a good friend? Is there any chance that some people might've been hurt because of me? Am I even qualified to be someone's best friend?

Time flies, we went from being a kid to a teenager, and then an adult. I've found so many people whom they eventually become friends.........Sigh. You know what, I really want to get you to get what I'm trying to tell here. Not just because I'm lack of vocabularies, I'm afraid you'll get me wrong- that - We might not realize how important a friend can ever be until you lose them. 'To lose' is so subjective. But here, I mean 'losing' by not having them around, physically.

Cant see any relation from the earlier paragraphs with the above? Me either.

But, get this, I used to be a person who didn't care being alone. But once I know a friend, I'll try to get along. I know, every meeting has its end. It's just I hardly accept when it happens abruptly.